At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
