I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.