omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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