it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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