I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
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We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
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It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize