i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
