Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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