I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
