i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
