You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
