this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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