There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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