I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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