apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
if only i could text you this smell
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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