My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
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I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
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I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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