I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
