please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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