So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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