Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
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Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
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Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
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