forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
