look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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