I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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