god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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