If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
