took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
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We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
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And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.