And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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