so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
