Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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