Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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