Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
