I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
