So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
