Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm always down for nudity.
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