You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Randomize
