The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
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Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
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TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
You came to the right person.