Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.