I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?