dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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