dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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