Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
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She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
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Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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