it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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