You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I would fuck him just for his dog
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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