you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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