Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
