I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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