Already got asked if we're dating
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
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This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
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I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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