We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
