What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
