i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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