im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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