Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
