there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
