She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
