So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
