im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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