Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I met the friendliest cop last night
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
