whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
