Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
